He Fell & I am Broken

It has been a tough week, and amongst the business I have not even have had a breath to process the events. Two months ago I confronted my husband and said, choose; Me or it. I am sure it wasn’t without some struggle, he chose me. He began a program and was doing fairly well. Not without pain, not without real hardship but he was 7 weeks pure. Pure from porn, masturbation, and yes even sex.

He was just a little over halfway through a 90 day detox. We had marked the day on calendars of when we could be intimate again, and frankly I was starting to look forward to true intimacy with him. Since he chose porn over his wife our entire marriage, it felt to me like we were waiting for our wedding day all over again. Never one to initiate intimacy, he confessed on Tuesday that he was yearning for me. I couldn’t have been more excited. I honestly felt so desired. This was actually new, in 12 1/2 years of marriage I can say with absolute certainty we were heading in the right direction. I was elated! Progress at last!

Truth be told there was serious temptation on both our parts to say that 90 days may not be necessary. After all just because the man who designed his program felt that the time span of 90 days was what it took to detox didn’t mean that it wasn’t what we needed. However, terrified that Darrell and S, his sponsor, might be right. It was ultimately decided to wait it out, not without real internal conflict mind you. We were better than half way through and why potentially mess up what was to be a sure thing, right?

No less then 24 hours later, he fell. He went searching for porn. He brought it into my home, right after such a powerfully positive experience the night before. He confessed right away, lest I find out the hard way. Instantly, the pain returned. My new found security although tentative was destroyed. My heart broken. I kept saying “you ruined everything”. He destroyed the magic I felt the night before. He destroyed a dream I have held for years in just 10-15 minutes of searching. He ripped my emotion security away, and with it my financial security.

He is clearly remorseful, which makes this worse. I almost prefer the jerk from years ago that would tell me to “get over it” because I am strong enough now to know what to do with that guy. But here we are, me having to enforce boundaries of a temporary separation on a person whom despite everything I still love. He looks shattered, and I am pissed.

I am pissed that what little money we had left is paying for a hotel. I am pissed because I think he had started to get lax in the daily homework, choosing play over the work he needed to do to keep me-us emotionally safe. I am pissed, he abandoned me again to women on a screen. He put his personal comfort in front of his supposed favorite person in the world. I am beyond angry that a new forming confidence was stolen, especially with an important job interview coming up on Friday. I am pissed that because he fell, I am the one who gets to be broken.

I want to punch him. I want him to feel just a little of the pain he caused for what really? Was it worth it? I know he would say of course not. I know says “I didn’t realize how serious this is” and “I understand now”. It’s not like I haven’t heard this before, but I will say this is the first time he has been in any true recovery. What is it going to take for his ass to remember? Perhaps it will take losing it all, and that is what scares and angers me the most.

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “He Fell & I am Broken

  1. Reading this hits home for me. I have yet to fully realize how much I have hurt my own wife with this. I do not know yours or his history, but I have empathy for you and him. Seven weeks pure. To me that’s fantastic! He told you about his failure right away. To me that’s fantastic! I want to be seven weeks pure, but I understand that my ability to look up to your husband in those respects, does not ease the pain you are feeling.
    I am not sure where you heard about the detox. It sounds absolutely dreadful. No professional or friend in my circle of recovery has even mentioned anything about that. Addiction and compulsions are a hard enough fight as it is, but to also be fighting all of the biological factors associated with not having sex. I couldn’t even imagine.
    I don’t know if you have a background in faith, but 1 Corinthians 7:5 says,
    “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
    A lack of self-control is the reason for a couple to “come together.” It’s not saying go develop self-control and then “come together.”
    I am not saying you should take responsibility for his actions, but maybe, just maybe a 90 day “detox” isn’t really the best method.
    My recovery is based in changing the source of my sexual fulfillment from anywhere else to my wife. It’s a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It sounds as if your husband is committed to recovery just as much as I am. For that, you are blessed. He needs to hear that you are proud of him. You probably have said that a lot. But more than likely he’s beating himself up worse than what you are giving him. Seven weeks with no sexual release for someone with a sexual addiction, I guarantee is worse than walking through hell.
    Thanks for posting from this perspective. It helps me to read it. I hope you do not find my suggestions blaming or offensive, that’s not their intent at all.

    1. We share a beautiful and wonderful faith, and I am very familiar with the verse. There is real science behind the detox, especially when it comes to the imagery. The point of the detox is to train the thoughts and impulses to turn to your wife. AND that she can know that your thoughts are solely focused on her in a way that is pure-not one caught in fantasy. We have tried the other way in the past, practicing abstinence and a surrogacy of sorts. But it has lead to intense and deep trauma on my part. Feelings of being used and demoralization when he would fall in the past. I highly recommend reading Darrell Brazell’s manual for sexual integrity. http://Www.newhope4si.com he explains it so much better than I. And I do applaud 7 weeks pure. The longest he has been in 25 years, and perhaps you are right. In my anger I have forgotten to applaud the accomplishment directly.

      1. I wish I hadn’t posted this comment with out prefacing something. We have discovered through this journey that sexual addiction isn’t really a true addiction, it is a symptom. A symptom of an attachment disorder. Somewhere along the line, most likely in childhood…my husband failed to learn how to attach appropriately. The detox is designed to set him back emotionally to a time where he can learn to attach healthily. Especially since my “addict” is a sexual anorexic-meaning he chooses to attach to himself, rather than his spouse or others. I could go on and on about the physiological ramifications to him/ me as a result. But that is way too deep for this forum. 🙂 With that said I have personally experienced 14 months without intimacy with him by his choice. One in which I had no say. The 90 days of purity was his decision based on the science and recommendations of his guide and sponsor.

        And no I am not angered or offended in the least, but please be careful where your mind goes when with your wife. I cannot tell you the emotional damage that will follow if she ever figures out she wasn’t the one in your head. It worse than the discovery of the addiction by far and will make this journey longer and harder than you can imagine. 90 days will be a drop in the bucket. Praying for you, as you really start this journey. May the Prince of Peace order your heart and your mind, and the Holy Spirit bring comfort to your wife as you walk this road together.

  2. Sarah, I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. It is good that he did not hide the slip – I wish my husband could deal with honesty – but I know this doesn’t make it any less painful for you, especially after such a welcome experience of emotional intimacy the night before. For what it’s worth, I applaud you for enforcing your boundary and doing a temporary separation. I hope, pray, that you can find the strength to focus on yourself in these coming days and especially leading up to the job interview. I’ll have you in my thoughts and am sending you some positive vibes. Hang in there! Hugs

  3. This is all heartbreaking. You’re on a different path coming from the same glacier of dumb. I have no qualms about others identifying hubs choices as ‘addiction’ but I really take injury from the idea that the betrayed spouse basically has to go through recovery too, and there’s sooooo much emphasis on getting the “addict” what they need. But this is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.

    1. I think I would need recovery from this regardless we stay together or not. My husbands program requires utter submission to the betrayed spouse. It is designed around protecting me from additional harm and allowing me time to heal and process. It has been refreshing, and devastating when he fell, because I was getting used to this new him.

  4. Very frustrating this. I know how addictive the porn is, and I’m currently on a detox myself to regain my natural sexual desire. I can’t help that think though, that he gave in too easy. All the best.

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