Trouble Comes in Threes

My grandmother always said trouble comes in threes. Usually she was referring to me and my two brothers, but the old adage does seem to hold. Last week, hubby fell. Yesterday our only car blew a head gasket on the expressway, and I am sicker than a dog-boarding on a case of bronchitis.

So instead of hubby staying in a hotel for the mandatory separation period, all the remaining money we have left is to pay for the repair and a rental until the repair shop can fix it. Not until next week Tuesday.

I am so sick that I can barely care for myself, and I needed him here because just moving off the couch to the 15′ to our kitchen makes me want to nap for three hours. Getting food for myself is so exhausting I can hardly stay awake to actually eat.

I am so mad. It feels like the world is conspiring against me. I wonder what God is trying to tell me. “You can’t have boundaries. You don’t deserve space.” I would cry, but since I cannot breathe through nose and having a hard time with my chest already I am actually worried I will pass out due to lack of oxygen.

Seriously!!? I just want to punch him. It feels like because of everything that is going on, he “gets away” with it once again.  The best I can do is have him sleep on the couch and it just feels so unfair. On top of that he is being extra nice, and keeps asking me if he is giving me enough space? Do I have everything I need? What angers me the most is not him, but me. I am questioning his motives. Laying bets in my head on how long this is going to last. Is it all going to last? I want it to so badly, but I don’t think I can survive another head game. I am so mad that THIS has to be my reality.

I have increased anxiety over getting sicker, because the last time ended so very badly for me/us. Let’s just say he ended up in a jail cell for 5 days and an 18 moth separation was needed to heal that mess. All of it because of his damned addiction. Our financial problems, my anxiety, his anger issues…all of it because of this. It is almost too much. Too much for me. Too much to take.

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10 thoughts on “Trouble Comes in Threes

  1. Oh Sarah, I’m so sorry you are going through this and that you are sick on top of all this crap. Being sick makes you extra vulnerable and vulnerability is not what you need an extra dose of right now. If you can, try to focus on your (physical) healing for now, let him care for you if you can bear it, and get back to a good shape before you focus on the heavy thoughts and mental healing. I know this is way easier said than done – but you will get through this. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers – hang in there!

      1. Honestly, exhausted and disconnected. I am struggling each day to put one foot in front of the other. I am just not myself-and I wish I could blame this damned addiction for it all, but truth be told-he seems to be doing well and he has been working hard. Other outside life circumstances seem to be heaping on everything at once.

        Yet I can’t seem to function. I just feel so broken and wonder if I can be put together again or if I am just too damaged. Logically I know this too shall pass-but it is very dark and it is hard to see the light.
        Thank you for asking, I am trying to be honest with myself here instead of giving the standard “I am well” I give everyone else.

        How do you say, my world was turned upside down almost 11 years ago, and the time it has taken to seek healing and recovery has taken its toll. Years of very deep rejection, anger, personal illness and trauma have left me a hot mess and I can’t cope, but I’m fine how are you?

        I read your posts everyday. So proud of you. You have managed to find personal empowerment in a relatively short (I say that loosely) amount of time. You really are amazing. Thank you for thinking of me.

      2. Oh Sarah – thank you for being honest, and I am so very sorry you are feeling so down. It is absolutely understandable – suffering this pain for eleven long years, how the heck have you endured and survived so much suffering?!?! This in itself makes you a survivor. As such, you are a hero.

        It is one good thing that he is doing okay, but you need to somehow get yourself on a path of recovery… this darkness, this hopelessness is as much non-reality as his addiction. Please don’t misunderstand this, I might not use the right words, but what I am trying to say is that this depression, this very dark state may seem your reality right now (and it is), but once you manage to pull you out of this somehow, it will seem a distant (bad) memory. I know this is hard to believe, hard to take, because I’ve been where you are now (although admittedly not for that long time so my scars and damage could not set in as much). I so wish I could sit and cry with you now, or just get angry together and smash some old car wreck with two baseball bats. Something, anything that could help. You are damaged, we are all so terribly and cruelly damaged by the ones who we trusted the most – but you are definitely not too damaged! You can be put together again, I know that.

        Are you able to talk with someone regularly about your healing? I don’t know if this helps, but just a thought: I’ve joined a phone support group about four weeks ago with Marsha Means (www.journeytohealingandjoy.com). It’s pretty structured and works through a workbook, and I found it pretty good. It’s fairly affordable, too – therapy is just so outrageously expensive, sadly.

      3. Actually I have been through the work book. It is very good, and perhaps I should pull it out. Together hubby and I are doing a class that focuses on childhood trauma. Been very therapeutic, but it seems to stir up stuff I thought long dead and buried. I spoke with my H yesterday and we both agree perhaps I need some medication. In addition I have a neurological disease that makes me more susceptible to depression & it is hard when in the weeds, as I am right now, to recognize I am in need.
        The weather here has been terrible-we had a snow storm last night. Fairly unusual for the time of year-and the grey days don’t seem to help.
        I appreciate your encouragement. The more we work toward healing it seems to get darker. So I assume it is darkest before the dawn. 🙂 I have spent 11 years of stuffing my emotions and feeling like I was blowing things out of proportion-internal and external influences at work there. So now that we are both doing things the right way…it feels like a flood spewing forth. I am actually feeling things I had stuffed away a long time ago. Crazy now that I say it out loud. I was raised with a pull yourself up by the bootstraps mentality and it is VERY hard to admit I need help.

      4. It is very hard indeed to admit when you need help – recognising it now is a huge step. I heard many ladies to refuse taking meds even when docs recommend – I’m normally against medicating but boy this is definitely not a normal set of circumstances. It was my mom who gave me a couple Xanax pills when I was a wreck after days of insomnia and anxiety. It helped a ton to at least get some rest (sleep and an artificial calm), and it helped me to get to the next phase without becoming a complete wreck. It can be exactly what you need right now to find yourself again, and it is not forever. And I love this: “The more we work toward healing it seems to get darker. So I assume it is darkest before the dawn.” Hopefully you’re on to something! 🙂 I’d love to send you some sunshine.

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